Many Shades of Black
by DarligUlvStranden
Summary: Life isn't as easy on Darlig Ulv Stranden as Rose thought it would be, even if she has 10.5 now. Can Rose adjust to the thought of having her Doctor but having him as a human and him being human? Can 10.5 handle the idea of ageing and not regenerating?


A/N: This is written from the perspective of 10.5/Human Doctor/whatever you want to call him. It takes place in Darlig Ulv Stranden, Norway, in the alternate reality. From the POV of the Human Doctor. I do not own any of the characters in this story, though I wish I had a TARDIS so I could travel to 1963 and create Doctor Who myself. Any feedback is appreciated, as I've never written a proper fan fiction.

Sometimes, at night, I'll hear her call out. She'll be caught in a fitful sleep, calling for her Doctor and it tears me up inside because I know no matter how alike we are in appearance and mannerisms, I know I'll never be the man she fell in love with, even if the Doctor destroyed so much to give me, and in essence himself, to her. I don't think she means to, so I've never held it against her. I just wish she knew what she meant to me. And parts of me question what I mean to her. I know she loves the Doctor but I don't think she sees us as being one in the same. Something had changed, something in Rose's attitude towards me, and I couldn't put a finger on it. Things felt like our first few nights here and I didn't like it.

For the first time in weeks, a fast asleep Rose Tyler pulled me closer to her, much in the manner she slept with her Doctor. I brushed the hair from Rose's face and kissed her lightly on the cheek. Nights like this I missed the most, the nights where I felt the closest to her. I hadn't even been able to tell her that I loved her because she wasn't receptive of anything from me lately. I tried telling myself it would take time, but after living over 900 years and realizing you were now human and were really going to die this time, it was hard to have the patience I had before. The Doctor said Rose helped him; maybe she'll open up to me and help me, too. With Rose in my arms, I too started falling asleep, more soundly than I had in weeks.

"John.." Rose nudged me awake, then gave me a timid kiss on the cheek. We had decided, for the sake of Rose working at Torchwood, that I should have a proper name. Neither of us could decide on anything, so we went with old faithful, John Smith. Torchwood's purpose, at least when it was founded, was to find the Doctor, and we weren't taking any chances. "I know I've been distant." I nodded. She put her head on my chest. "But I guess I'm still adjusting. You remember the sort of relationship the Doctor and I hav-" Rose exhaled sharply and I pulled her close. "He's not coming back. And I know you're the same as him, but you're human. And I know I should quit being selfish and appreciate what he's given me, because you're him, but-"

"Rose, you're human as well. It's natural for you to want what you can't have. But as Socrates once said, you can't always get what-" I made a face. "Hang on a minute, that was the Stones. But you get my point. Sometimes you have to settle."

Rose sat up very suddenly. "How dare you, John Smith. How dare you accuse me of settling. That's not fair, not fair at all." As she reached the door, she paused for a moment. "The Doctor would never say something like that to me."

"That was rude of me." I paused as the bright light blinded me for a moment. "Rose.." I called out, to no avail. "Rose, please." But she had already walked off. I got up, quickly pulling on blue pajamas with white-grey pinstripes and walked into the kitchen where I could hear Rose slamming pots and pans around. I grabbed her around the waist and turned her to face me. "Rose Tyler, I love you. I've always loved you. I will always love you-"

"The Doctor loved me, not you." She said coldly.

"The Doctor and I are one. His memories are mine. I think as he thinks. I feel as he feels. I want the same thing that he wants, except that I can have it without the pain that would eventually follow." Rose looked confused. I ran my hand gently across her cheek. "All the Doctor ever wanted was you. And I get to have you. Rose Tyler, Defender of the Earth. I love you. And I know you look at me differently than you looked at him. I know you see me differently-"

Rose's eyes filled with tears. She didn't look me in the eyes, speaking softly, I barely heard her say, "Because you are different. You're just human. How can I be happy with some human when I remember everything the Doctor showed me? Why should I be all right with just another guy when I've seen the earth's destruction? Met the Face of Boe? He took me to New New York."

"Technically it was the 15th New York, so it was New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New York." I gave Rose a shy smile and she burst out in laughter.

"I'm being silly, aren't I?" She sighed and I took her hand, kissing it. "I love you." Rose said suddenly. Her expression softened and I pulled her into a hug. "And I know you and the Doctor are the same. But do you know how hard that is to understand? That the man I loved is suddenly cloned into a human and I finally get what I've wanted? I get my Doctor, I get to grow old with him, far from the curse of the Time Lords, spare him the pain of having to leave me or watch me decay because he knows I'm safe with you. I trust in what the Doctor thinks is right. And his desicion to leave you here.. I've never been happier." She put her head on my chest, her hand where my second heart would be. "It's weird, still."

"I remember every moment we've, well, you've spent together. You changed him. Without you, he would be a very different man. Rose, you've changed me, too. For the better, I'll have you know. I know it's confusing and I could explain it to you but I doubt you want to hear it." Rose shook her head. "Just keep in mind what you just told me. You broke the curse of the Time Lords. And the Doctor? He'll never forget you, I promise. Because I know I'd never forget you, and the Doctor and I share the same brain." Rose stood to face me. I didn't know what to say anymore.

Rose was leaning against the counter now, I could tell by her general composure she needed a cup of tea. I started the kettle and let her soak up the silence. I really did feel bad for her. I knew how confused she must be because I was going through the same things. I know how I was created because I was once the Doctor, a part of him, thus shared his brain. Rose, she was human. She didn't know the way Time Lords worked. Then again, not many did, the Doctor was the only one left, the Lonely God. I ran a hand through my hair, nervous habit I guess, and finished making her tea. She was sitting at the table now, convenient because I could just set the tea in front of her.

"I was just screamin' at you and you made me tea?" Rose looked at me, I stared into her eyes, those eyes I loved so much, and I smiled. "I have something I need to tell you but.. I'm really scared to." I wasn't sure what expression my face made, but Rose quickly added, "it's nothing bad!"

"I never said it was." I tried to defend myself.

"But you made a face!" Rose said.

"I sort of have to, being that I have one, yeah? I'm always 'making a face,' you know?" I stuck my tongue out at her. "You humans, taking everything too literal." As soon as I said it and watched Rose's face fall, what I said and the meaning of it hit me. "Oh, Rose. You know I didn't mean it like that."

"I know." Rose nodded, but she didn't smile.

"It's hard to get used to this transition to being human." I confessed.

"For me too." I chuckled a little and Rose went pink. "With you, I mean." She went a deeper red and I took her hand.

"Well, Rose, we're both equal now and we're learning to live with each other. And it's a process and we'll learn eventually." I smiled and she did the same. But I do think you had something to tell me?"

Rose stood and took my hand, kissing it first, then placing it against her stomach. "I've known for a few weeks but I couldn't figure out how to tell you." I grinned, knowing the words she was going to say as soon as she placed my hand on her. "John, I'm pregnant."


End file.
